Waiting for something

I saw Godot, asan ka? back in college.

[Aside: my spoken Tagalog sucks, but I can read and understand the deepest Tagalog as well as any Iglesia ni Kristo preacher. I know what the words mean; I just can't remember (or pronounce) them.]

I'm thinking about the play because I'm waiting. I'm waiting for something to happen (and/or for something not to happen) in 13 weeks. Two months and a week. Approximately 65 days.

Sometime in February. There. I did the math for you.

No, I'm not pregnant with a puppy. And no, I'm not waiting for someone to give me a Valentine's Day card. It doesn't matter what I'm waiting for; if you haven't figured it out by now, I want to dissect the act of waiting.

Anyone who's watched Godot has done just this (this and question the meaning of everything). What is it with waiting? The expectation, the hope, the frustration, the excitement, the ultimate let down all rolled into one.

It is excrutiating, it is exhilirating. And for those few moments when you cannot breathe in anticipation, it is in a way, exquisite.

Being a little bit more (ok, a lot more) obsessive than the next guy, when I wait I start making up story lines. I visualize what I think will happen and then I play the scene out in my head. What he's going to say, how she responds, how I stand there and say nothing. I can go on like this for hours. I will fall into a dream-like state I will actually write the screen play out of an event I know will happen. Complete with blocking. Then I change my mind, something else will happen. He won't show up, she'll get upset, I start to yell. It's like a second ending on a DVD special edition. But for a part of my life that is yet to be lived.

Tonight I'm getting fixated over this thing again. Whatever it is. I actually got out of bed to write this post out. When I get this way I need to talk things out. Analyze everything to the last painful detail. Usually, S. indulges me and actually listens as I go through my list of what-can-happen.

But last time I looked, I moved to Hong Kong, S. is in Sampaloc and I'm too cheap to call long distance.

So I write.

And it's working; I'm getting sleepy.