The cure for hangovers

I haven’t had a hangover in a long time. I have one now. It is a mild hangover, but it is nonetheless annoying. It’s like there’s an invisible hand putting pressure on the upper portion of my brain. It’s not painful, but it is irritating. I can’t function. (Well, actually I can. I’m just uncomfortable. And cranky.)

I’ve had more than my share of hangovers. In law school, Sunday was hangover day. I could tell what day it was by recalling the involuntary retching I experienced on the Lord’s day of rest and summoning up the smell of vomit. If I could hardly remember the muscle spasms and the bathroom smelled like pine dew, it was probably a Thursday or a Friday.

I don’t know why people keep drinking after they’ve gone through a really bad hangover. I’m talking about the hangover you get when you fall asleep with the ceiling spinning. Waking up in the middle of the night to throw up (some times not making it to the bathroom). You feel a little better, but now you have headache. Finally, you fall asleep, but only after you give in to the headache, the dizziness, the dryness in your mouth.

You wake up four hours later (it’s always four hours for me, I don’t know why) and then things really start to get rough. The retching starts. The involuntary-is-there-an-alien-in my-gut retching. Your whole body heaves. There is nothing to vomit though (except for the bitter tasting yellow bile you seem to have an endless supply of). It’s all gone. Remember the pre-dawn hurl? Apparently your body does not.

The spasms stop. You take a sip of water, the dehydration is awful. Your mouth is chalky, your head is throbbing. Everything is too bright and too loud. You sit on the cold bathroom floor with your eyes closed and think, “I will never drink again. I will never drink again. It’s not worth it. Kalokohan.”

Generations have tried to tout hangover solutions. I’ve heard of the take two aspirin before you sleep method. This works, but it might kill you if you get an allergic reaction to the aspirin or the paracetamol or whatever it is you mix with the alcohol. You pass out from the booze, then you stop breathing. Saya.

Then there’s the “dog’s hair” approach. Have a drink in the morning. It will take the edge off. And it does. And then you turn into an alcoholic. Masaya rin ito.

There’s the bloody mary (or insert some other bizarre concoction here) in the morning. All these potions have two things in common. All taste like crap. And none of them work.

From my extensive experience in dealing with hangovers, I have concluded that there is only one cure for hangovers. A cure that is 100% effective. That cure is time. If you wait long enough, the hangover will go away. It always does.

The hand on my brain will let go, and with it, the curtain of sluggish thinking and hand eye coordination will lift. I will feel great.

So great I will want to celebrate by having a beer.