You know when you're in a Filipino wake when...

1. There's lots of Zesto. Exactly when Zesto became the juice drink of choice for wakes, we will never know. But the fact remains that Zesto has cornered the wake market.

2. The flower arrangements are horrendous. I don't know why some enterprising Chinoy hasn't put up a flower shop that sells non-tacky funeral wreaths. And why do flower shops insist on using glitter and gaudy ribbons to let people know who wasted their money to purchase such incredibly ugly arrangements? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

3. There's enough food to feed a private army. Grieving family members greet visitors with the question, "Have you eaten?" As if people go to wakes to have dinner. At one wake I was at a couple of years ago, there were actually waiters serving full course meals.

4. Complete strangers come to visit. I consider wakes and funerals to be very private family affairs. Unfortunately, in the Philippines, when word gets out that someone has died, his/her tailor's third cousin usually shows up to "pay their respects". Why people go to wakes of those they hardly know I will never understand. The male parental unit says it's to show support for the grieving family members. While that may be true, why do these strangers need to look at the body with a sadness like they've lost their right foot to gangrene. Get over yourselves. You did not know the deceased.

5. Snacks are passed around at hourly intervals. In case you did not partake of the full course meal, snacks are distributed every 60 minutes. Mamon, ensaymada, hard candies, and of course, Zesto.

6. Mass cards are displayed. Because really, we want to know which set of cloistered nuns are praying for the deceased's soul. And how often and for how long they will pray.

7. The more masses, the merrier. Because one mass a day won't get you through the pearly gates.

8. People don't talk about the dead guy in the room. Of the conversations that go on during wakes, about 5% are about the deceased. 95% are about everything else. At the wake I was at last night, there was a guy obsessed about squatters and convinced Gawad Kalinga had to take over the Philippine housing shortage. Show some respect, people.

9. Guests never leave. Why people want to sit in a room with stinky flowers (I'm not going for the obvious here) for hours and hours I will never understand. Letting a friend know you're there for them should take about an hour, max.